I thought it would be different this time. Silly, isn’t it? I truly thought he could be the one, because I believed in fate. He was there on my birthday, the actual birthday, and he was always there when I needed someone to see my achievements, since my friends weren’t there. It wasn’t his choice probably. If he could choose, he probably would have been with his girlfriend instead of being around me.
I gave myself so many reasons to believe that he fought for the chances to be with me as well. When his friend said he wanted to be on my birthday, but my crush won, and my crush suddenly came with a lame excuse as “we put our photos next to you, and came to the conclusion I looked more like you”, which was why you could be at my party. I didn’t care about the excuse. It was just that it seemed like you had to hide something, which made you to come with this sentence.
I keep rewinding everything, every reason which made me think you see me. If so, why aren’t we even friends after a year?
It is truly a miracle how you always know what I like or want. They say you don’t pay attention to people. When you ask about someone’s weekend, you already walk away before someone can reply. It happened one time, so I knew you were like this. Which was when I thought you could never see me. I blogged about you. I asked why some people even asks things, if they are not truly interested in the answer. I said that people who care about you, are willing to slow down for you. It was all about you. I was actually so angry when I was blogging it, but it was to wake up myself as well. You simply don’t care, was my conclusion.
But then, you slowed down. You replied as if you cared. And I was wondering whether you could read my mind. You remembered what I liked and what I said? You said things of which I didn’t even know I have ever told you. You knew exactly what I want. And if there was something done the way I wanted it, I knew it was you who did it. It was truly the first time I thought so. A guy who can read my mind. He knows what color I dislike. He knows I like special cake. He remembers I drink diet coke.
I knew it was a simple question, but I was sure that he asked because he knew I drank diet coke, since he even knew my favorite crisps. Well, he doesn’t know it is my favorite, but if I have to choose between blue or red, it is red.
I truly thought it was different this time, because you saw me. I see you laughing when I laugh about your joke. You do care whether I laugh, not? No one actually pays attention to your jokes, you know that, so you always look at me whether I laugh about it.
A friend asked me for the best case scenario, and I didn’t dare to answer, because I am not sure whether it will be the best case scenario. When we don’t have any contact, I doubt everything. I don’t even know whether we are alike. What if are characters don’t match? You are so cool, and you don’t post photos of your girlfriend, which gives me hope, but I don’t know if I can take it if I were your girlfriend. I doubt everything. Even whether I am perfect enough for you. But when we actually have contact, I don’t doubt it. You know what I am thinking, like no guy has ever succeeded.
What am I thinking? Time to let go. How can I always think we don’t have any subjects to talk about, while he always manages to say what I think? It is probably due to your attitude on FB.